


come and see (just call my name)

by aizensosuke



Series: pride + horror 2019 [2]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blood and Gore, Cannibalism, Ghouls, M/M, Unrequited Love, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 04:31:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19165873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aizensosuke/pseuds/aizensosuke
Summary: as nodt disappears and cang du goes looking for him (and answers).





	come and see (just call my name)

Harsh winter air cuts through Cang Du’s coat as he tries to navigate the thick system of tree roots under his feet without sprawling in the snow or bashing his face into a nearby trunk. Winters in Germany tend to be harsh and this is one of the worst in the last fifty years according to the newscaster, but he has no idea how much time he has left. Giselle made it perfectly clear to him that he needed to move as fast as he could possibly go.

_ You have a limited amount of time, I think. He never said he was staying around. _

Cang Du grits his teeth together. He knows, in hindsight, he should have taken his roommate a little more seriously when he said he would be leaving soon but how was he supposed to know  _ soon _ meant three days later in the dead of night with no warning? Clothes still in the closet, keys still in the small glass bowl set on their kitchen counter to ensure they would never lose them. He thought  _ leaving _ would mean moving out, and he thought he had time. Don’t people always think they have more time than they do?

It was just… He never even got a  _ date. _ Just a  _ soon _ and then As Nodt was gone.

_ Giselle blinks at him from over her coffee mug and then sighs, tucking a strand of hair back behind her ear. “Well, he did say he was leaving soon. You didn’t listen to him.” _

_ “He’s just fucking gone, Gigi. That’s not normal. His wallet with his ID is still on the goddamn nightstand.” Bambietta would kill him for swearing at Giselle like this, but Cang Du is afraid. His hands, wrapped around his own cup of tea, are trembling. “Is he okay—” _

_ “Of course he’s okay. He told you he had to leave. But…” Giselle trails off, stares down into the steam wafting up from the top of her beverage. “Oh, I see. You never told him, huh?” _

How many times could a person say they thought they had more time before it made them look like a moron? It isn’t easy to tell your roommate you’re in love with him.

Off in the distance, something shrieks. The sound has Cang Du’s entire body jumping in shock, his hands grasping for a nearby trunk as he listens carefully. Just the wind, perhaps? Or a distant animal, hopefully one not interested in human flesh. It doesn’t matter what it is, not really, because he has not come this far just to walk back now. If he leaves this forest and refuses to make the trek to find his roommate, then As will be gone forever and Cang Du will never see him again. Even if that  _ is _ the better option—

_ You aren’t going to like what you see. I just want you to be prepared for that. _

How many times has someone said that about As, though? When he arrived at Cang Du’s apartment on that fateful winter day— much worse than this one, now that Cang Du thinks about it— there were a few nervous jokes made about how they might be living an odd life together, that As is a little eccentric. A little strange. Cang Du never cared then.

Then, all he needed to do was pay the rent, pay the bills, and buy groceries without having to pick up a second job. Now, he just wants the man he loves in his arms.

“Why would you come all the way out here?” He speaks to no one as he leans against the trunk, using its shield from the wind as momentary relief. His nose is numb. His eyes are wet from the fierce gale. “What could possibly be out here for you?”

Giselle gave him the location of the forest after much needling and made him promise to dress for the weather, so he finds himself in two pairs of jeans, a thick winter coat, a pair of gloves, and a hat jammed on top of his head. No scarf because he has no desire to fiddle with it to keep it in place, and he needs to be able to see as clearly as possible.

He needs to be able to find As, and As is so small and slender, and it’s so  _ dark. _

The distant shriek again. Cang Du doesn’t think it’s closer, but he might as well not give it time to  _ get _ closer. He plants his booted foot down in the snow and forces himself onward.

As is eccentric. He’s strange. One morning, Cang Du woke up to find him picking bits of raw hamburger meat out of the package and popping it into his mouth like popcorn while he read the news on his tablet. Instead of bringing attention to this, Cang Du slunk back into bed and waited for As to come seek him out and ask him if he planned on getting up or if he would spend his entire day off sleeping. He always ordered his steaks rare and tore into them with a ferocity that left Cang Du stunned. Truth be told, he was  _ enamored _ of it.

What kind of idiot is he? Obviously, the kind to wander the woods in the dark like this.

As would sing around their apartment while he performed chores Cang Du never asked him to do, his voice hypnotic. When they were outside at night, either going out with friends or just drinking on the apartment building roof for want of something better to do, his large black eyes reflected every single star in the night sky.

Once, Cang Du came down with the flu. He’s  _ stupid, _ okay, it takes  _ time _ to figure out when to go get a flu shot and he just didn’t— And As brought him soup,  _ homemade _ even, and told him to stay in bed until he felt better. Watched over him. Took care of him.

Cang Du has been in love with him pretty much since the first day they met.

And letting him go like this just feels every kind of  _ wrong. _

“Come on, come on,” he mutters to himself, trudging through the snow, hands jammed into his pockets because the gloves are not thick enough to deal with the wind.  _ Should have worn mittens. _ “You’ve gotta be out here somewhere. Gigi said you were.”

He isn’t going to leave this forest without As unless it very well kills him first.

Months ago, As’s color was paler than usual, and As has always been a fair-skinned man. Almost ghostly, for that matter, though he’d looked like a walking corpse as he walked around the apartment. He sang less, and Cang Du noticed just how quickly the raw meat in their refrigerator disappeared with no memory of cooking it and eating it. And then one day, As sat down on the side of his bed and told him he would have to leave soon in this eerie, distant, singsong tone that made chills run down Cang Du’s spine.

And then he left. He fucking left and Cang Du never got to say  _ goodbye _ or  _ I love you. _

“He can’t  _ really _ be out here,” Cang Du whispers. He might seem insane, but he  _ has _ to get the thoughts out. The ones that have been clinging to the recesses of his mind ever since Giselle coughed up the location. “Could barely fucking take it when I turned the air up.”

How would As survive in this weather? He’s small and slender and  _ petite _ for fuck’s sake.

The one time Cang Du dared to sling an arm around his shoulders when they were out with Giselle and Bambietta and Bazz, As fit right there at his side so perfectly.

_ “Fuck! _ ” Cang Du punches the nearest tree trunk, ignoring the ache in his knuckles; the glove does nothing to soften the blow.  _ How _ could As be out here in this? Why leave?

Cang Du never told him he had to leave. If anything, he would have been content to spend the rest of his life with As right by his side. They could have stayed together forever and he would have done his utmost best to respect As’s privacy, to never make him feel weird or eccentric or strange for his behavior. He would have bought him  _ all _ the raw meat he—

The shriek is closer this time. Cang Du must be growing closer to it.

Is the shriek— No. It absolutely cannot be As. When the two of them spoke even when As was at his loudest and most excited, his voice was always more subdued than most. Cang Du is confident he would know the sound of As’s voice even from a million miles away.

He has to keep going, though. What if that thing is getting closer to As?

The trees begin to slowly thin out the further he walks and though that should be a clue of some kind, surely, he finds himself not realizing the importance of this until there is open space in front of him. The clearing is small but visible and he breathes a sigh of relief as he looks around, taking in the scene for a moment. The wind doesn’t quite reach here at least, and it’s quiet for a moment before that awful shriek comes once more.

The sound is coming from a familiar figure hunched in the clearing, dark hair hanging around their face like a halo, a sharp contrast to the white of their coat. No,  _ his _ coat.  _ As. _ The sight of him makes Cang Du’s chest expand and he finds himself running forward.

“As!” Cang Du cries his name out like a prayer and a plea, almost tripping over his own numb feet in his effort to get to him faster. “I can’t believe you’re out here. What are you—”

The figure’s head whips around toward him, and Cang Du freezes in place.

The creature stares at him with empty white eyes, dark rivulets of red creeping down their pale face as they slowly rise to their feet. For a moment, he thinks they must be wearing a long white coat, and his heart frantically thumps when he remembers As’s favorite white jacket, the one with the soft fur hood he loved so much. But he realizes a moment later it’s  _ not _ a coat when the figure creeps closer to him.

Their skin is ghostly white as though all the blood has been drained from their frame, and their arms down the forearms to the tips of their fingers is stained black. He can see the sharp shape of their ribs through all the white, eyeing the odd scarring down their chest.

Then his eyes rise to their face and he recoils at the sight of their mouth, the sharp grin of their teeth. They have no lips, just those blood-streaked teeth.

“Oh, fuck,” Cang Du whispers, but his legs refuse to move even as they quiver.

Dark fingers card through dark hair, tucking it back out of their face as they study him with those sightless eyes. “What are you doing all the way out here?” they demand.

“As?” It comes out as more of a question than anything else, his voice unsteady as he stares at this… This… This  _ monster _ standing in front of him, staring at him from the center of the clearing. From over the body of  _ something. _ “Is that really you?”

It sounds like his voice, though slightly distorted. Coming out of a mouth like  _ that _ —

The figure tips their head back and sighs, and Cang Du feels a quickening behind his ribs at the sight. It makes him remember the night As told him the name of a novel he was reading and Cang Du’s immediate response was that he never heard of it. As was so  _ exasperated _ with him and Cang Du was so fond it almost made his heart break.

As Nodt nods only once, folding slender arms over his chest. “It is. You came out here to find me. Giselle told you. I  _ told _ her not to tell you, I made her  _ promise _ —”

“Was I just supposed to let you go away?” Cang Du forces himself to move across the ground now. It doesn’t matter how scary he is. He’s  _ As. _ “In the middle of the night, just—”

“I had to go. I couldn’t play pretend anymore. It was killing me.” As turns his head down, his sightless gaze moving toward the… Cang Du’s eyes refocus after a moment and he realizes, startled, that it is a  _ human _ body on the ground. Missing several pieces.  _ Oh fuck. _ “Don’t look too frightened. He followed me into the trees when he realized how sickly I was. He was thinking about assaulting me. It was right there in his eyes.”

Cang Du resists the urge to vomit at the sight of the corpse. “Speaking of sick… Are you… What happened? I still don’t understand. You got so sick and then you just left—”

“I could only subside on animal meat for so long. Ghouls aren’t made to survive on anything other than human meat. Corpses are usually enough, but I was  _ starving. _ ” As brushes his black fingers over the exposure of his ribs and shakes his head. “And he was going to hurt me, so I don’t feel particularly bad about it. I made it quick and painless at least.”

“You’re… A ghoul.” His voice sounds distant, like it’s coming from someone else maybe across the clearing at the treeline. A ghoul who  _ eats human corpses. _

As nods, tilting his head back. Staring at him. “Yes. Didn’t you ever wonder how I could eat so much raw meat without being constantly ill? And yet I’m entirely fine.”

“I was so worried about you. I thought you were  _ dying, _ you got so pale and thin. And then you were just gone and I… I missed you.” The words come out so lamely and he feels so pitiful for just saying it outright, but As smiles politely at him and nods once. “I never even got to tell you goodbye, and you just left all of your things—”

“In all fairness, I don’t particularly need clothes. Look at me.” As laughs and tips his head back, and Cang Du jumps at the sound of it as he finally comes to a stop in the snow. So close he can just reach out and touch As’s arm if he wants to.

Cang Du drags his teeth over his lower lip. “Yeah, I guess not. I just… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have fucking stalked you across the woods but like. Why did you come out here like this?”

“There are usually hikers who get lost out here in bad weather or corpses yet to be discovered, so it’s a good place to lay low for a while.” As shrugs and looks up at him, and the moon is reflected in his eyes. It is beyond eerie and beautiful somehow. “Angry?”

“No. I just… I missed you.” He sounds like a stupid  _ child, _ and yet—

As steps forward and lifts a hand to touch his cheek. His fingers are surprisingly warm. Cang Du never remembers him being  _ warm. _ “It’s all right. Against all odds, you found me. You nearly froze to death in the process, but you managed it. Good job, Cang Du.”

Cang Du steps forward and hugs him, pulling As into his arms, pressing his face into the night-dark hair he knows so well. He still remembers the first time he’d ever hugged him, the shock on As’s face. They’d been tag-teaming a video game together, they won, Cang Du… Got a little overly excited. He had the impression then that As was not used to being hugged, that such an embrace was odd and unusual to him.

He makes a small noise, almost shocked, before Cang Du feels those slim arms wrap around him in answer. “For what it’s worth, I missed you, too. You were always kind to me and you never called attention to any of my strange behavior. You were always sweet.”

“I loved you.” It comes out just like that, and Cang Du is an  _ idiot. _ No one can ever be dumber than he is. No one, no matter how hard they try. But he might as well let it all out now. “I  _ still _ love you, and I wanted to tell you, and then you were gone. And I couldn’t just let you go like you’d never even existed. I couldn’t let you go without telling you.”

As is quiet, and Cang Du can feel the point of As’s chin pressing into his shoulder before he sighs softly. His breath is warm against the lobe of Cang Du’s ear poking out from under his hat. “I know. I knew. I always knew. I was just… I couldn’t say anything.  _ Look _ at me.”

Cang Du leans back and looks at him, fingers brushing through the soft, silky fall of his hair, then yanks his glove off so he can touch As’s hair properly. Those milk-white eyes study his face, and he strokes a thumb along the crimson swathe beneath one of them; it feels no different than his smooth skin. He stops when he touches the rough, scarred skin around As’s teeth, which are streaked red with blood.

“You’re beautiful,” he says, and he means it. “You’ve always been beautiful to me and you still are. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay right here with you if you let me. I love you.”

“Oh.” As exhales and leans into his touch, and Cang Du cups his face. “You mean it.”

“I do,” he says, and As smiles up at him and doesn’t move away when Cang Du leans down.

His mouth tastes of blood and something meatier and Cang Du chokes down the roil in his stomach, pulling As close to him. He stays there with him until he finishes his meal and then takes him by the hand, leading him back the way he’d come to get into the forest.

They can figure this out, one way or another.

**Author's Note:**

> if you're looking at these tags like "what the fuck" i assume you've never been in tokyo ghoul fandom
> 
> anyway ghoul as nodt just makes sense to me and did you know they come up as a suggested ship now? impact


End file.
